Photo of Ellen Mettler, taken by her sister Linda Neely.
Whether you're bringing home a new baby, struggling with a difficult medical diagnosis and treatment, going through a divorce, or dealing with loss you need help. But help is really hard to ask for, even when it's offered by well intentioned friends.
There is a big difference between saying, "I'm bringing you dinner this week. Does Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday work best for you?" verses, "Let me know how I can help!"
People under stress hear "Let me know how I can help" or "Give me a call if you need anything" as another decision, another burden to their already overwhelming day. It's really hard to accept that offer no matter how kind the intention.
I learned this staggering lesson when my two-year-old son was diagnosed with type one diabetes three weeks before my daughter was born. I had a newborn and a newly diagnosed diabetic at the same time, and it was overwhelming to care for both. When every day held an almost insurmountable number of decisions and responsibilities, I most appreciated the friends who gave help and didn't just offer it (thus requiring yet another decision on my end).
Here are concrete ways you can help someone in need:
Offer to organize a gift card drive for the person in need. Tell her you're going to take the lead on getting gift cards for her and ask where she'd like them to: grocery stores, Target, local restaurants, and meal delivery services are good starting places.
Next, post on her social media page that you're organizing ways to help and ask people to private message you if they're interested. If you see someone offering a generic "Let me know how I can help!" message on her social media page, step up and reply that you're organizing ways to help and ask them to contact you if they're interested.
When people message you, have a reply ready to cut and paste. Include the preferred stores and how to best send them to the recipient. Be sure to express your thanks for them stepping up and helping out, too.
When you offer to make a meal, give a specific timeline with a couple dates that work for you. Ask about any allergies or food restrictions. I always try to include a main dish, salad, and dessert; even a nice chocolate bar will do. A fresh loaf of bread is a bonus, too.
If you want to take it a step further, you can offer to organize meals using Meal Baby, Caring Bridge, Meal Train, or Lotsa Helping Hands. These are great organizational resources for new babies or those going through lengthy treatments and hospital stays.
If you're able, offer any other service that would benefit the family in need. Can you take over carpool? Come over and clean or fold laundry? Walk the dog? Take the kids for an afternoon out? Pick up groceries and put them in the fridge? Whatever it is that you can offer, do it. These are the moments that stick with families years later when hair grows back, babies grow up, and scars begin to fade. However, selfless giving to those in need is never forgotten.
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